You just got used to the divorce when, WHAM, you’re hit with
another major change: strangers to call family. by Phebe Hunnicutt

My parents have been divorced literally for as long as I can remember, but when I was nine, my dad decided to make things interesting. He fell in love with Linda, and they decided to get married. It’s great for your parent to be in wedded bliss, but it's not so hot to feel stuck sharing a house with people you barely know. Linda had three kids — my new instant siblings.

When did I start feeling uncomfortable sitting around on the sofa in pj’s? How is it possible to take a shower in a house with people who knock on the bathroom door every five minutes? And seriously, who actually buys Miracle Whip? The tiniest changes to my life ignited major emotional responses. According to family and marriage counselor Judith Fabricant, in blended families, “the most important thing is people’s expectations.” My first mistake was thinking that life in a blended family should resemble the Brady Bunch from day one - yeah, not happening.

Where Do You Fit In?

At first, I wasn't sure how I fit into my dad’s new life, and for a long time, going to his house felt like visiting someone else’s family. My little sister and I are much younger than our stepsiblings, and at the time, the years felt like decades. I was crushed: Overnight I had gone from being the big sister to being a fourth grader with teenage siblings. Suddenly I didn’t feel very grown up, and I didn’t know how to relate to my new brother and two sisters. I was also totally jealous that my new siblings seemed so bonded to my dad when I didn’t feel at all connected to my stepmom. To make matters worse, my dad was so happy! How could he feel so good when I felt so lonely? “It’s normal to feel like you don’t fit in, especially in visitation situations,” explains Fabricant. Only at the time, nothing felt ‘normal’ to me.

What Can You Do?

It wasn't long before I got used to my dad’s new house, but it took much longer to feel like his new family was mine as well. What could have helped make the transition a little less bumpy? Try negotiating new family rules together. Dr. Fabricant advises asking your parents to hold family meetings; they are a good way to make sure everyone gets a chance
to express her feelings and open topics up for discussion (like not taking long showers when everyone needs to use the bathroom.) Yes, it would have helped if my dad had set up some ways to help us adjust, but there are a few things I should have done as well. Dr. Fabricant says that “being flexible and keeping an open mind” are the two most important things kids can do to make the new family work and I'd be lying if I said I had been any good at either. I felt guilty about my feelings, so I kept them to myself. Had I been brave enough to speak up, I probably would have discovered that my siblings were also totally freaked out. They were stuck with two little girls who were used to having all daddy's attention. Nightmare!

Bonding with my brother and sisters was only a matter of time, but building a relationship with my stepmom was hard work. I was hurt because I felt like she never opened up to me the way my dad had to her kids, and as a result, I shut her out. A few years ago, I decided I no longer cared whose fault it was, I just wanted things to get better, and that decision changed everything. These days, I love being friends with my stepmom and appreciate all the ways she improved my life and my family.

I can remember precisely when we stopped being two separate families working on blending together. The night my oldest sister went into labor with her first child, I slept holding the phone and woke up hourly for updates. My dad was crying when he called to say it was a boy and everything had gone perfectly. It sounds dramatic, but in that moment I realized I was an auntie and there was no need to include the “step.” It would be ridiculous to claim that life is now perfect, but the Miracle Whip is long gone (I have my own mayo, thanks), I’ve returned to my pj uniform, and we’ve moved to a house with loads of bathrooms. My family is never going to be the Bradys, but who cares? We always preferred The Partridge Family, anyway.